Often
called the greatest comic book ever made, Watchmen, birthed in 1986 by
writer Alan Moore and illustrator Dave Gibbons, was also considered one
of the most unfilmable comic books ever made. Every aspect, from its
nihilistic theme of the death and deconstruction of the superhero myth
and gullibility of the public, to the story’s structure and layers of
narrative behind each of the multiple “heroes” (- none but one have
any actual superpowers) and even the bookends and subplots are held
as sainted relics to its fans and windmills for filmmakers to
unsuccessfully tilt at. Now, over 20 years after Watchmen’s release,
the audiences who pay to see films based on graphic novels have grown
more sophisticated and demanding in their expectations of quality.
There is a lot at stake with the film version of Watchmen, and every
frame fairly palpitates with director Zack Snyder’s pressure to get it
right.
The DL: Someone has killed a
hero. The Comedian, an old man who runs around in a mask, cigar
clenched between choppers, wielding a nasty shotgun, is praised as a
national monument. From stopping street crime in the 1940’s, to black
ops missions in Vietnam at the behest of the President, to quelling
civilian anti-hero protests (- all achieved with uncomfortably
sadistic tactics), this man is who our nation has depended on for
its security. Even The Comedian’s strength and combat skill can’t help
him win a battle with a sidewalk after a brutal home invasion is topped
with a flight out a plate-glass window. This leads Rorschach, another
masked fellow with aggressive notions of right and wrong, to find out
just what or who was behind The Comedian’s murder. His investigation
will call to order his forcibly retired crime-fighting running buddies,
who have settled into lives of varying normalcy and compel them to
question the meaning of those existences, their relationships with each
other and the world that now despises them.
In making what is probably the
most devoutly faithful adaptation to the comic possible, Snyder has
refused to let very much into Watchmen by way of originality or
ingenuity. Many of the frames you see onscreen are exactly the frames
you see in the graphic novel. Many of the lines of dialog are directly
out of the book. Placing such chains on himself does Snyder no favours
as a director. Lighting doesn’t strike twice in the same place and what
was so successful with Snyder’s 2006 opus, 300 (- based on another
graphic novel - practically an exercise in minimalism compared the
narrative and illustrative richness of Watchmen), isn’t nearly as
successful this time. There’s simply no life in the celluloid and no
inspiration onscreen. If I wanted to see the exact same frames going
by, I could order Watchmen for Kindle. Being an adaptation of this
particular graphic novel, I can forgive it for many things, but I cannot
forgive a film version of Watchmen for being boring. Overlong (- at
2 hours, 43 minutes) and overstuffed, this film felt like an
endurance test with no highs to speak of. The dialog that was so
wonderful in the comic sounds flat and droning when acted, and in some
cases, acted badly. The opening scene of The Comedian’s fight for his
life held a lot of promise; brutal, ugly and bloody - this wasn’t going
to be a pretty film. Sadly, there’s never another scene that well done
or vital in the precious few action moments. I know Watchmen isn’t
meant to rely on action like Batman or Spider-Man, but when the rest of
the proceedings are so exhaustingly dull, the film needed some kind of
adrenalin. Snyder uses a similar fight set up to his own 300 during
Nite Owl and Silk Spectre’s entry into a prison riot, a long shot down a
corridor with the heroes having to bust their way through an onslaught
of bad guys to get past. Unlike 300, there was no feeling of impact or
danger, and it simply wasn’t choreographed as well. I felt like I was
watching an outtake from Leonidas’ playbook. Maybe it’s also I don’t
care a thing about any of the characters except for Rorschach or The
Comedian? We don’t get enough of a read on Ozymandias (- with his
fluctuating accent and despite his Nick Rhodes-perfect purple silk suit),
Billy Crudup’s mind-numbingly flat delivery of the omniscient former
human, Dr. Manhattan just made me wish I’d opted for root canal rather
than sit through his excruciatingly long flashback. The nebbishy Nite
Owl held none of my interest; I don’t know how Patrick Wilson could have
made anything out of him, but it might have been nice of him to try. I
have to admit my least favourite hero in the comic was Silk Spectre, and
in Malin Akerman, they found an actress who met the challenge of being
as irritating and limited as the character. The three standout
performances are Jackie Earle Haley, utterly perfect as the snarling
misanthrope, Rorschach (- the ever-swirling inkblots on his mask is
one of the film’s truly cool things); Jeffrey Dean Morgan as the
power drunk, morally corrupt Comedian chews his scenes with gusto and is
more sympathetic than the comic allows, and Dr. Manhattan’s giant blue
CGI penis, possibly the most inspired work in the film.
How do you dumb down a movie
based on the one of the most intelligent, sophisticated comics ever
written? Snyder practically leads the audience by the hand by use of
lowest common denominator effects, the soundtrack being one of the most
egregious instances. To have actually played Bob Dylan’s The Times They
Are A-Changin’ over the history of the Watchmen flashback, another scene
in Vietnam has Janis Joplin’s Me and Bobby McGee blaring in a bar, a
Muzak version of Tears for Fears’ Everybody Wants to Rule the World
underscores a meeting of corporate heads and possible bad guys, and
worst, Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah during a Nite Owl/Silk Specter sex
scene was corny to the point of insulting.
How this film could have
benefited from an editor and some tough decisions. So much could have
been cut out, scenes that went on for days; the afore-mentioned Dr.
Manhattan origin, the fire rescue by Nite Owl and Silk Spectre, along
with their subsequent painfully drawn-out, desperately unsexy nookie
inside Archie, the Owl-mobile, or whatever that cute ship was. There
must have been a lot of fear and fretting over which precious, iconic
moments to cut that resulted the tedious bloat that Watchmen inflates
to. Instead of the film having any sort of signature or voice, it’s a
colour-by-numbers job. I think Snyder was truly afraid not to throw in
the baby, the bathwater and the kitchen sink for fear of his film
becoming the target of hate for legions of Watchmen fans. He should
have risked it.
According to Dave Gibbons, who
drew and collaborated on the original comic, Watchmen’s creator, writer
Alan Moore, has made a firm policy of having no part of the Hollywood
game as far as his works are concerned. I blame Mr. Moore less and
less.
~ The Lady Miz Diva
March 4th, 2009
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