When is a movie remake not a movie remake? When the filmmakers involved know what they’re doing is so wretched they don’t dare admit it. So it goes with the abysmal Homecoming, a teen-demoed castoff that should be expecting lawsuits from the Fatal Attraction folk and most especially from Stephen King’s people.

It pains me to waste time explaining it, but because I’m so selfless, here goes: Mike, the small town football hero is coming home. Apparently, the retiring of this high school quarterback’s number is the biggest news to hit these parts since their one horse died. Having moved away to college, Mike has also moved on to a new love, abandoning old flame Shelby for no reason we’re let in on, but whatever. Unfortunately, Mike never bothered to alert Shelby to the change in their relationship. Arriving in town with a new squeeze in tow, the awkwardness expected from Shelby is strangely nonexistent as new flame Elizabeth & and ex-girlfriend Shelby become BFF’s, or are they?

I feel bad for even posing a question that might tempt anyone to see this film. No, they’re not BFF’s and Shelby goes bats and kidnaps Elizabeth after “accidentally” hitting the girl with her car and ties the unfortunate rival to a bed in her mother’s creepy house for some Kathy Bates-style TLC. This transparent and disrespectful knockoff of 1990’s Misery isn’t going to fool even the most oblivious MTV viewer. The rest of the film is a predictable race for the none-too-swift Mike to rescue his imperiled lady from the crazy ex-girlfriend with the advanced nursing expertise. The only original aspect of this film (- or show of humour) is in casting Mischa Barton as Shelby the homicidal maniac. I never watched The O.C., but I understand Mlle. Barton was a model before turning to acting. As an actress, she makes a great model. Watching her wielding weapons as she goes on her big psycho rampage is hilarious, yet terribly picturesque. The mind wobbles at how someone with such painfully limited skills was allowed before a camera, much less made the film’s star. Every horror movie cliché is on call here; even the very end of the film, when you’re sitting there saying, ‘No, they couldn’t possibly use that old movie chestnut,’ yep, there it goes. There’s just no point to this thing.

Normally, I try to find some silver lining in a mess like this, all I’ve got is Jessica Stroup makes a nice-looking victim. The fact that all the while her character is ambulatory and ostensibly able to escape her prison through the windows of her room, yet never tries just stops me saying anything redeeming about this stupidity. Even Homecoming’s cinematography is horrendous: I think the idea was to make it look like the action was taking place in a gritty, blue-collar town, but it only looks like someone forgot to clean the camera lens.

If only they’d kept forgetting, we might have been spared this dreck.
 

~ The Lady Miz Diva
July 17th, 2009
 

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